you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
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Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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