Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
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I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
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I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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