she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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