hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
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Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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