last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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