No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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