i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
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you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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