Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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