the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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