woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
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you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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