Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
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EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
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They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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