i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
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YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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