I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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