I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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