If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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