Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
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Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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