Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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