just come out here and I will go home with you...
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
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Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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