if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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