I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
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Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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