Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
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Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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