Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
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And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize