I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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