Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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