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all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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