We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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