I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
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You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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