Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
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So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
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I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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