We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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