i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
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And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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