Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
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She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
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We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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