New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
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Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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