I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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