Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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