i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
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I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
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I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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