Porn is love you can see.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
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Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
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So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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