I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
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You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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