Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
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We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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