that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
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I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
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omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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