so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
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Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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