No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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