The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
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Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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