My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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