I wish my penis had an off switch
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
they're like a gay fantastic four
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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