How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
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did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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