Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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