I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize