I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
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she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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