Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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