I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
if only i could text you this smell
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
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all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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